Grill roasted turkey (3 hours start to finish)

So for some reason, despite the fact we had half as many people as usual my mom got the same massive amount of turkey.
Our oven's small so she got two and informed me I was to grill one.

Ingredients
1 medium young turkey (13 lbs)

1 medium shallot
1 small clove garlic (optional)
3-4 sprigs fresh thyme
3-4 leaves fresh sage
Poultry seasoning (more or less dried, ground sage/thyme/rosemary)
S&P
4 tbsp unsalted butter
2  tbsp olive oil
3/4 tbsp dijon mustard
Dash vinegar (I like sherry)

Lemon, zested

Procedure
The Bird
1. Google "spatchcock turkey." It's a sizable pain in the ass and not especially easy to explain without imagery/video. Basically whacking the spine out (shears, bonesaw if you can) and proceeding to flatten it out by splaying the (open) back out and cracking the sternum, either with a rubber mallet or my personal great size/weight.
Absolutely necessary for grill-roasting and saves a ton of cooking time.

2. Open, wash, remove gibs etc from turkey and dry thoroughly with loads of paper towels.
Spatchcock the bird and set aside on a board.

3. Turn all burners on your grill (I use gas, it's just better for cooking easily for many people, though charcoal is wonderful for small, intimate outdoors cooking). My burners are arranged | | | | as opposed to ==, so I do my left burners to med-high and right burners to low, just to heat the whole grill up.
     -If you have two grates move the left grate over or off entirely before lighting.

4. Mix 1 tbsp (sea/kosher, if table drop this to 2/3 T) salt, 2 fat tsp pepper, 2 fat tsp poultry seasoning and one quarter of the zest in a custard cup. While the grill is heating dry the turkey once more, just to be sure and sprinkle the seasoning all over the skin and open cavity. Rub lightly with a tbsp or so oil.

5. Clean/oil your grill. Slice lemon ~1/2 thick slices and lay them on the right grates approximately center where your bird will lay. Place the bird cavity-side down on "cool" side of the grill with legs toward the heat.

6. Close grill and turn the right three burners to low. Let heat for five to ten minutes just to bring the temp up then cut off those burners while keeping the leftmost burner at 3/4 (med-high)

7. This should maintain a pretty stable 325F, splayed out as it is the bird will only need about two hours on the nose.

8. (optional) Soak two handfuls (I have large hands) of woodchips in hot water.
**I forgot to place a disposable pan beneath the grate to catch drippings, so that's an option before you light the burners**

The Baste
1. Mince shallot and garlic. Chiffonade sage and pluck leaves off the sprigs of thyme. Add herbs to aromatics and mince all till fine.

2. Add butter to a small saucepan over med-low (my stove runs too hot) and melt, add 1 tbsp olive oil and aromatics. Season lightly with salt & pepper and cook till shallots are soft and translucent (3-5 minutes)

3. Drop heat to low. Stir in 3/4 tsp poultry seasoning, the rest of the zest and the dijon; mix thoroughly. Add a dash or two of vinegar if you like. Cook 1-2 minutes.

4. This should all take about ten or fifteen minutes, about the right time I'd start lightly brushing the bird with the zest every half hour or so.

Drink a beer, etc
1. Drink a beer, cavort, watch the Lions lose or whathaveyou.

2. At one hour check the bird's breast temperature with a probe thermometer, it should be around 100F at that point but it never hurts to check.

3. Wait half an hour, [check temp again] and add chips to a smoke box or simply fold up in some aluminum foil. Place the chips onto the left burner and close the lid

4. Check the temp one last time. At this point it should register about 160. This is perfect, the temp will come up to about 170 while it's resting, covered. If it's under 160 leave on another five or ten minutes until it registers true. Remove with some big tongs, spatulas or whatever is most comfortable to you.

Cover with aluminum foil and cover this with some heavy towels for ten to fifteen minutes. Carve and serve.

Parsnip-peas-parsley-purée, aka PPPP

Gourmet veggies...what the fuck is wrong with me?

Ingredients:
Parsnips - 2 lbs (or 1 lb parsnip, 1 lb potatoes)
Peas - 1 lb (.5 for puree, .5 for whole)
Parsley (fresh)
Dill (fresh)
Chives (fresh)
Chicken broth (~2.5 cups)
Cream/milk
Butter

Rinse & peel parsnips/potatoes and chop roughly. Place in medium-large sauce pan and just cover with water, add ~tbsp salt and mix. Bring to boil and cook till tender ~7-10 minutes. While boiling turn oven to 420.

Drain parsnips, add to bowl and toss with some oil and ground pepper (I like green). Throw parsnips on a roasting pan, let go ~15 minutes, turn and go another five or ten. Don't really need color or crisp, just drive some water out and concentrate flavor.

While the parsnips are roasting add peas to same saucepan and just cover with chicken broth. Bring to a boil and just heat through.

Drain broth into another container and add half the peas to the parsnips in a blender (I actually don't have a standup blender but an immersion stick blender and a tall ice-tea server works pretty well). Add most of the broth, half a sprig's worth of dill, tablespoon or so each chopped parsley and chopped chives and blend until smooth, adding broth as necessary.
Add S & P to taste (I didn't require salt, personally).
Add ~quarter cup cream and a few small pads of butter and give a last few pulses to mix.

*I like some flecks of pea in mine but you could blend the peas first to ensure a more purely green purée (sort of looks like mint-chip ice cream, minus the chips, of course).
Actually I just thought how this could look like mint-chip: add some roasted, chopped mushrooms (I actually just served this with whole roasted mushrooms, they exude a lot of supercharged liquor which I added to the puree).

The best sassidjes around

Fresh sausage (Italian, brats, etc)
Skinny skewers

Preheat oven to ~420

Skewer through the sassidjes lengthwise and suspend over a baking dish.
Bake about 25 minutes.

The skin is crispy all around and they're unfathomably juicy.
If you're keen of sight you can even see the fat/juice bubbling about under the skin while they're cooking.

Mushroom Bruschetta

Start with a loaf of super crusty bread, being a bit stale is no big deal, maybe even better.
I use Dutch oven bread, which I might write up later.


Bruschetta
Bread (obviously)
Olive oil
Garlic
Thyme
Marjoram
Pepper flakes
Balsamic vinegar
S (kosher/sea) & P (freshly ground)

Slice bread on an angle about an inch, need about seven slices for this amount of mushies

In a small bowl (I like custard dishes) mix up: ~3.5 tbsp oil and a few small drops  of balsamic.
I don't measure seasonings so lets say: .5 tsp thyme and marjoram; .25 tsp pepper flakes, salt and pepper.
I like to take tw o medium cloves garlic and mash them up with the salt in a mortar and pestle, or just use a garlic crusher.
A regular mince will tend to burn, I like it being a uniform cream, almost.
This combination (the marjoram, I think) yields a "meatiness," according to my brother, especially when he's crazy with vegetarianism during lent, when I first made this.

Spoon this mix onto the bread slices, rub in on both sides, let it sit for ten minutes or so.
(Fix the mushrooms up while the bread is soaking up the oil.)

Grill over low heat four or five minutes each side.




Mushrooms 
Butter
1 lb baby bella mushrooms
Garlic and or shallots
S&P
Thyme (fresh, preferably)
Tarragon (fresh, preferably)
Fennel seed
Anchovies (sack up)
Tomato
Lemon
Parmesan

Toast ~.25 tsp fennel and buzz up in grinder/mortar & pestle

Rinse the mushrooms in water (unless you're genuinely psychotic and use a mushroom brush) and dry on some towels.
Chop them roughly, however you like, I go with a mixed bag of sizes & shapes.
I also like to take one or two and put it through a fine grater and sauté it with the rest.
Mince 2 cloves garlic or one clove and one small shallot, take the leaves of two sprigs thyme and chop one sprig of tarragon, chop the hell out of the tomato (concassé would be préféré)
Sauté (medium heat) mushrooms & shallot in a few pats of butter (or if you're ballsy the anchovy oil) for a minute or two, sprinkle with just a bit of salt, too much pepper and the fennel seed.
Add two or three anchovies, herbs, garlic and tomato plus half a teaspoon or two of lemon zest, mix it up to break down the anchovies.
Sauté on medium-high for two or three minutes, squeeze in a quarter of a lemon.

Spoon over the freshly grilled bread, sprinkle with a bit of parmesan, broil on low for two minutes and serve.

Umami-bomb burgers

Umami is an obnoxious phrase in that people act like no one ever thought of "savoriness" before but I guess it does better acknowledge the place of glutamate but...I digress.


Standard burger:
1 lb ground beef (of your choice, I hardly pay attention, for some reason)
1/2 medium onion (per four ~1/4 lb burgers)
1 medium-small garlic clove
Enormous tsp stoneground dijon
1/4 tsp creamy horseradish
Optional: blue cheese (chunks)

Mince onions and garlic, sweat on low for ten minutes or so. Mix all of the above into ground beef & season with S&P, any herbage you might want though they're pretty unnecessary.
If there's too much onion (posh) or it gets a bit too warm the meat may get loose, I suggest pattying up and refrigerating for a few minutes.
Fry dem burgers (medium-high) up to your desire doneness (which should be mediumish), preferably in just a bit of bacon fat (cause, c'mon it's bacon fat).

Umami bomb sauce:
Big ol' shallot
Small garlic clove (or ignore, there's plenty of alliummyness in the shallot)
Four-five baby portobello mushrooms
Soy sauce
Worcestershire sauce
Dark ale and or beef broth

Finely mince shallot/garlic and sweat in burger grease on medium-low for a few minutes. Chop mushrooms a tick under a cm square or so and add to the pan , sweat another two minutes or so.
Just a bit of wondra, maybe half a teaspoon very evenly sprinkled, mix and splash some soy & worcestershire sauce, just to coat well (three tsp?). Let cook down another minute & add a bit more wondra.
Add ~1 tbsp ale and ~2 tbsp beef broth, mix thoroughly and cook down an additional three minutes or so.
Good option: (if not using a teflon pan) mash some cooked shroomies with a fork and mix about.

If made ahead of time I like to drop a fat tbsp of bomb sauce on top of the burger after flipping and lay some cheddar over top. Drop the heat to medium-low/low and cover with a pot lid until meltifantastic and burgers are done).
Slide onto a toasted bun with a thin veneer of mayo on the bottom bun and consume with delight.

Chipotle pork nutterbutt squash stew

1.5 - 2 lbs pork (country ribs are great)
~1.5 lb butternut squash (sweet potatoes also work)
1/2 lb potatoes
Onions (yellow & red)
1 can diced/crushed tomatoes
1-2 bell pepper
Carrots
Garlic
Chipotle chilis (in adobo sauce)
Paprika
Bay leaf

Marinade
Finely mince one yellow onion, three cloves garlic in a food processor; add one can (~3/4 cup) chilis and sauce, puree. Marinate chopped pork (~bite size cubes) 1-4 hours.

Stew
Skin butternut squash and chop into 3/4 in cubes, do the same for potatoes (keep skin, if you like). Dice red onions (one small, half big) and peppers (1-2), chop slivers of carrot (~3 whole), smash & mince two cloves garlic.

Working in ~3/4 lb batches lightly brown all pork (do not cook fully) in a large pot, set aside.

Heat oven to ~315 or so

Throw veggies in pot on medium with olive oil, season and let sweat 10-15 minutes, stirring periodically. Dust with ~3/4 tsp paprika, smoked would be best) and mix.
Cover with broth by about half an inch.
Bring to a boil, drop to very low and add diced tomatoes.
Add pork back to pot (with any juice that leaks out, of course) with two bay leaves.
Toss the whole thing in the oven with a lid and bake for about an hour. Take the lid off for another half.

If it looks dry add a bit of broth, if it's too brothy mash the hell out of a few potato and squash chunks and mix in.

It was pretty damn hot as I added more chipotles toward the end but it's great for frigid eves such as this last weekend, really clears the sinuses up.

Ostentatiously rich hot choco

1 can sweetened condensed milk
Milk
2/3 (ish) cup dark cocoa
1 tbsp Instapowder espresso
Salt
Ground cinnamon
Cayenne pepper

Mix 1 can sweetened condensed milk and ~6 cups milk, heat on medium-low to drinking temperature. While this is heating mix cocoa powder and espresso with a big pinch of salt, ~quarter teaspoon cinnamon and slight pinch of cayenne.

Gradually add powder mix to hot milk while thoroughly whisking, try to get a nice froth going.

Serve in various cool, unique mugs without marshmallows because that's trashy.

Drunk Carrots

I made this ages ago and just remembered it a tick ago.

Brown ale (Newcastle, something fall/winter seasonal, etc)

Carrots

Butter

Cinnamon (maybe a very small amount of clove, though I've not tried it)

Brown sugar (dark is always best)

Heat small saucepan on medium, add two pats butter and carrots. Baby carrots work well or broad sliced on the bias carrots would surely work. Sauté lightly for ~three and a half minutes and add ~one tablespoon brown  sugar and two pops of cinnamon (just tap the container with the shaker top). Melt sugar down for a minute or so before adding half a cup of brown ale (or however much to not quite cover). Bump heat up to medium high and boil for four to five minutes until desired texture is achieved and serve.

Lentil Stew

WARNING, unfortunately I've always been sober when I've made this, but I typed up the recipe for my aunt so I might as well put it here.

Lentil Stew

~1 lb Sausage (Italian, andouille, something with some spice)

1 package lentils (1 lb)

1 lb chopped (frozen) spinach

2-3 large onions

3 carrots (peeled)

1 can diced tomatoes

2 cloves garlic

2 bay leaves

2 large potatoes

Salt & pepper

Ham hock/bouillon

Olive oil

Feta cheese

If using ham hock, boil with ~1 quart water + 2 tbsp salt for an hour or two; if using bouillon add ~2 tbsp to hot water (stovetop or microwave H2O).

Dice onions, slice carrots (matchstick or rounds) chop potatoes and mince garlic; season and saute with olive oil in a large pot until onions soft/translucent ~5-8 minutes. Remove veggies, skin sausages and add loose meat to pan, break the meat up and let it get a decent brown. Add veggies, canned tomatoes' water (to deglaze) and lentils. Cover with ~1.5 inches broth and two bay leaves; lentils need a lot of salt, taste the broth and use your best judgment is all I can say. Bring to boil, drop to low and simmer ~25 minutes with lid just ajar. At 15-17 minutes cooking time add thawed spinach (with any water from thawing) and tomatoes, you can add them with the rest of the veggies but they can be bit muted after 25 minutes. Mash the lentils/potatoes a bit with a potato masher, stir and serve with crusty bread. I like a bit of feta cheese and or a cheese chip (I dunno what else to call it, you know when you just throw some cheese in a pan and melt it down then it gets crispy/chewy) poked down and fanned out; a bit of blue cheese makes it exceedingly creamy, as another option.

Obviously this makes quite a lot of stew but I'm used to cooking for my large family of large eaters, fortunately it keeps well and is freezer-friendly.